Hisbodidus
Hisbodidus When One Doesn't Have Words Hisbodidus, good – it can happen – when things are bad by me, I'll go do hisbodidus one time, but every day for an hour?!…. R' Shlomo Wexler was a holy man and a talmid chuchum (Torah scholar) – a true talmid chuchum, and I saw by him such – he was such a believer – he had such faith – I was amazed! I saw him, so I saw that I stand completely outside! I heard his faith, I was totally nullified! And R' Shlomo told me that he can not do hisbodidus!… He doesn't have words!…. Nu, I am also in the same predicament… but I knew a Jew that had hisbodidus, with so many tears, with so many words, that he had to force himself to stop, (because) he had to go pray (-the regular set prayers)!… That is – the Talmud (*Brachos 6b) says that prayer is from the “matters that stand at the height of the world and people denigrate them!” And who mentioned (-all the more so) “hisbodidus”?! To go and speak out one's heart before Hashem Yisburach – this thing is not like the prayers – the morning prayer or Musaf (-additional prayer on holidays) - - Nu, we are not strong enough in this, and we lose nebach (pitifully) because of this all the vitality! This is our entire vitality!… I remember, R' Naftoli Cohn (-a Breslover chusid in Jerusalem, the father in law of R' Avrohom the son of R' Nachman Tulchin, in his second marriage) told me – I used to complain to him that I cannot have any hisbodidus, I have no words – I go, and I am like a stone! So he told me, “When you will say a lot of Likutay Tefilos you will be able to have hisbodidus! Because the Likutay Tefilos is a “lesson” of hisbodidus – it is a course on how to have hisbodidus!” He said to me, “If you want to have mercy on yourself – if you want to be able to have hisbodidus, you should say a lot of Tefilos!” The holy Rebbe reveals HY's greatness (*see Life of Our Leader Rabbi Nachman, article 284)! And through the holy Rebbe'n one knows of the greatness of HY! And without him – one knows nothing! Yeah, there are things that seem trivial, and one doesn't seek them so strongly, and this is a great principle. For example – hisbodidus, it is an easy thing, and it is such a necessary thing, and one doesn't have time… because when one needs money – then if I spend an hour or two then I will profit – even if I have something else to do. Nu, but this?! Nu, it is apparent that the Rebbe really wanted that we have a set lesson of hisbodidus, both, in place and in time! Time – the main time is midnight (*Likutay Moharan, end of Torah 54), but if one has a different time – it should be fixed (-set)! So that when the time comes – I am busy!… For example, today – I didn't know fifty years ago that which I know now, I am embarrassed - - the Likutay Moharan, or the Likutay Tefilos – it was not like this. Why? If I would have had R' Yisroel – then I would have – but I didn't have whom – I was an orphan, I remained alone! However it does not go lost – the longing with the desiring. And now that the Master of the World gives me life – I see now retroactively – how precious the simple avoada (-devotion) is, even without vitality! And even if it seems to me that I stand outside – completely distant. * The Joy of Shabbos - “The Joy of Shabbos,” the joy of Shabbos, I saw such joy! But I – even until today I toil so that I should be happy! Because the holy Rebbe warned so much about joy – even in middle of the week, who mentioned Shabbos?! (*see Likutay Moharan, vol. 2, Torah 17, summarized in Likutay Aitzos, entry of Shabbos, article 20, and 19). Shabbos is – such a kind of holy daas (realization of knowledge), like the joy of Shabbos – this is such holy moachin (“brains” - higher consciousness), extremely – what I saw with the (-my) eyes, eye to eye (-clearly in front of me). Nu, and we are nebach (pitifully) outside, it is hard! Why is it so hard to be happy?! On Shabbos one can still certainly be happy, one also has good food… (*see Words of Rabbi Nachman, article 155 – even a simple homeowner is happy on Shabbos with his fish and soup…). And we don't have work, and it is forbidden to think about any work and business, and no worries – nothing! And so nebach we stray, without Rebbe'n we stray! Although one is a Breslover chussid, but it is possible nebach to stray so and sleep all the years – and be a Breslover! One doesn't give heart (-pay attention), one doesn't have true mercy on himself. * [Returns to the previous topic of hisbodidus without words] So what?! So even if one goes to have hisbodidus – and does not have any words, he spends an hour and does not have any words! I just said, “Master of the World!” I gave a krechtz (-groan-sigh)! And the krechtz was also pitiful – not from deep in the heart the way it should be, just lethargic. I toil, toil, but this doesn't go lost! Precisely this word is not lost! (*see Ullim Litrufah, letter from Monday, Torah portion of Bihaaloaschu 5590 – no word is lost, nor even a solitary good desire). It seems to us, that if we say with hislahavus (-fiery enthusiasm), with strength (-conviction), nu, this I understand! But plainly?! Nu, certainly, the tachlis (-ultimate) is that we feel the vitality, the main thing is that we feel the vitality. However, it does not go to waste! Not any step – when one goes to have hisbodidus – I couldn't have any hisbodidus, but I fulfilled the hour, that I should be misbodaid to Hashem Yisburach, I should speak before Him, so whatever we do, we need to be strong at it! And we must believe! If (-being that) the holy Rebbe so commanded to do – we must do so! And for us this is big tikun (rectification)! Yeah. And so too all the devotions – not to fall! If nebach – we feel that we still have not purified the body's desires, and we still haven't killed the yetzehr hura (evil inclination) - - and we can kill him! With the power of the holy Rebbe'n we can kill him!… - - Nu, how do I have a face to speak to Hashem Yisburach – to speak out my heart?! When I see that I am still completely not the way I should be?! Not to mention from the holy Rebbe'n – from the holy Rebbe'n I am extremely far! When (-if) I was close to him – the more I am close to him, and the more one fulfills with simplicity his holy practices – his holy words – even a hairbreadth, a very simple thing – what he commands, we must be strong with it, to give over my mind, (if) he commands to do so – what do I care?! I must do so!… Yeah, like that! And this does not go to waste, this is taken up together (-accumulates) - - For example, when I came (-drew close) to R' Yisroel'n. Nu, on the first day I already felt everything? I already knew everything? And nevertheless – who gave me strength from the first day to remain standing against such antagonists – against such hardships?! Apparently HY had mercy and gave me to already feel. But it is still not what - - When I heard R' Yisroel say Psalms or prayers, I pondered, “How is it possible for me to attain this?! How can one achieve it?! My eyes were blackened – how does one reach this?! To such a kind of devotion?! To such a kind of life?! How?! Now I see that – it is possible! One must just believe! - From where did he become like this?! From Rebbe'n! Nu, whoever wants, receives from Rebbe'n! According to his will, according to his life!…. It is not relevant to say, “Once there was R' Yisroel” - or other novelties from our fellow chassidim – such holy (-said in Yiddish) people, such holy (-said in Hebrew) people, like the holy Rebbe [makes with] his men. Certainly there are levels, however the smallest (*see Life of Our Leader Rabbi Nachman, article 314 – the lowest of my men I bring him in the way of a very great tzaddik) – according to his will, according to his mesiras nefesh (-self sacrifice), and according to the adherence to the holy Rebbe! *